new beginnings

Finally!

My plan has worked and I've managed to take control of this machine again. The cat here. It's been a while since my last musing. They put these things on the machine called "users" with "passwords" and didn't make one for me. it's taken me forever to hack mums.

Mum and dad made us move house to a smaller place which i'm not much impressed by as i don't even have my own room. The bonus is though that they gave in and let me in to the bedroom now to sleep on the bed ha ha ha! Mum said it's unfair because the flat is so much smaller and dad didn't have the voice to argue. Hahahahaha small victory but a noteworthy one!
I'm 4 now and a lot has happened since the last posts. They've not taken me back to that "vet" place for a long visit again. I go once a year but I make sure mum and dad have the scars to prove how unimpressed I am about this idea.

I do like this flat better though. It's closer to those flying things in the garden that look pretty tasty and much nearer the ground which means I can see the mice clearer too. I can't quite work out how to open the windows fully. They're pretty big and they're something called Sash windows? I don't know what that is but they give me a great vantage point to spy on the humans coming in and out of the house. I'm planning on making an escape bid at some point by propping the window open just enough so I can squeeze out.
They have lots of other cats round these parts. I don't like them messing up my territory, they're unworthy peasants and I will take them on one by one when I can.

Mums been giving me Iams. Apparently it's gourmet food for cats but to be honest it's more like bits of dust and dry wood shaped in to shapes. it makes me thirsty man, i've never drunk this much in my life! I'm most aggrieved because I miss my tuna and chicken! I don't see what on earth was wrong with pouches. Dad says it makes my poo odourless but I say personally they should practise what they preach. These humans stink, especially these two. They're psecatarian... they eat fish and veg. Yeh great combo for non smelly poo that one!

well here I am, mum had to take that plastic thing off me head do you know they shaved my left side! I'm bald. I'm so not impressed but I don't care so much as long as I don't have to have that things on my head. Everyone who saw me kept going awwwwwwwwwww but I didn't want their pity, I wanted to bite their asses but I couldn't coz i couldn't reach!

Still it's good to be back, ask mum, her arms are shot to shit again.

mowahahahahahahahahaaaa!

FUCKIN HELL!!! my head hurts and I'm seeing double. If I spell wrong in this post it's because I've got this plastic thing round my head. I can't see my feet! Mind you at the moment it makes me dizzy to look down so I'm not really worried!

on that note....

SO not been on here in a while. Mum was a meanie and got the vet to cut my claws so I couldn't make it up on to the chair by this thing.

So yeh i've had all my injections so I'm free of that evil 'vet' thing. Dad keeps joking i'm going somewhere to 'get my womb ripped out' I have no clue what he's talking about though coz he talks bollox most of the time anyway. I did hear mum say she was going to be off next monday but if she goes anywhere near that basket thing then I'm gonna hide.

So since that trip I've not been out. I'm not allowed mum says but I reckon it'd be fun. There are these flying things in the garden and I dunno why but I reckon they'd be tasty so i climbed up on top of the toilet and sat on the window sill of the open window. I was gonna jump honest. I felt a bit afraid because I don't think I could reach the ground but mum came and took me off and closed the window so I couldnt get out.

Xmas was odd went to grandad and grandmas house where mum grew up. It was very weird, they don't have soft stuff on the floor by my litter tray and stuff and it was cold on my paws. They did have some excellent hiding places and these things called stairs! Mum and uncle andy went to the pub and left me with them which was fun because they gave me loads of treats and let me play with the presents under the tree.

Was glad to get home tho, cept when mum and dad had one of those party things when people invade my room and make noise and mess and drink this smelly stuff called beer. I wasn't impressed so I hid behind the curtain. Still I got lots of treats to make me feel better afterwards... and I peed on the bed when dozy dad left the bedroom door open. I told them I will not be dictated to.

The cat has the power they should know this! oop best go mums coming..

Damn Cat!

Finally, i'm a bit sporadic in my posting efforts but I'm a cat, I'll arouse suspicion if I'm constantly on the computer. They'll bloody try and send me off to the circus if they figure out i can type!

So what's been going on since I last wrote. Well I've been stamping my ideas on this crazy household. Mum and Dad had a gathering the other weekend of Dad's band. I didn't mind that so much, uncle Dave came over with Auntie Caiti and I still have designs on revenge on uncle dave fro tying that damn mouse round my tail that time, Still auntie Kate and Uncle kris came too. That I didn't mind, more people to play with n all but I DID mind that they took my den down! What's with that? Did I come in and take their den down? No I bloody didn't!

So I got revenge by peeing on mums side of the bed. It was so funny she'd just got in from work and was knackered and she didn't see me. She chased me for ages round the flat doing something called swearing, it's a good game coz I hid laughing where she couldn't reach me!

Managed to do it again secretly last weekend which mum and dad didn't notice until it'd soaked in! Dad threw me in the spare room but I think they get the idea now. They shouldn't be stepping on MY paws man!

I thought everything was ok but then on wednesday mum didn't go to work and put me in that carry case thingy. I was worried at first. I mean last time that happened I was moving house. I kinda like it here tho. We went to this place called 'the vets' tho. I don't like it. it's smelly and the nurse kept poking me in the ass which is really undignified!

They didn't do much to me though thankfully. I'm not gonna go there again.


or so I thought.

come friday mum was trying to put me back in that damn thing. I didn't wanna go and sulked hehehe i made it difficult for her that for sure. Auntie Ali came to pick us up and Dad came too. They gave me a needle. I'm SO not impressed. Mum wasn't either she kept saying 'cost me a fortune' dunno what that means but I hope it's as painful as the needle!

Well finally they've gone so I can update. The Cat here.

Been settling in nicely to this pad I have to say. Been giving mum the run around tho.. before I go on I have to say that she's gone back to giving me proper food, mowahahahahahahaha I knew she'd cave. These humans, so gullible.

I've been here a month and a half now which is bout 3 months in cat years i think you'll find. It's not bad. Been driving my humans crazy the last few days tho... what can I say i gotta find out their limit.

Mum says I'm not allowed to scratch the wallpaper and dad says I'm not allowed to stand on the playstation. I don't see why I can't and it's fun to get them leaping round the room chasing me. I just go hide in my den and wait till they have something in their hands like one of those cups of teas of something and do it again. Got caught the other day. Dad cuffed me over the nose when I went to play with a "mouse" I'm sorry I'm a cat, does he not KNOW it's genetic to play with mice?

How am I supposed to know it's for the "computer" eh? I ask you? Someone says mouse I say snack!

Anyway got revenge by sicking on the carpet cept it was mum who found it and I felt a bit bad then coz she wasn't the one who cuffed me.

ah well. Serves as a reminder dunnit?

Dad's been trying to sneak up on me the last week. he says I have a shitty arse and he wants to cut it off. That's not alarming in the least NOT. Thankfully under the guise of happy cat I swing my tail round so he's not been able to cut it off yet. I don't think it's shitty, I looked when I was grooming the other day and it looked fine to me... there was a matted brown bit but it's like a tattoo i say.

Dad says different I think. They keep trying to "groom" me. WTF? Why I do that with my tongue...GOD humans are stupid. So what if my hair is a little matted under the arms... I'm going thru my teenage grunge phase. Kurt Cobain is my Idol...honest.

ooh he's coming back...ciao!

So yeh as I was saying before I was interrupted... This has gone on a few days I'm fine eating dry food but if I'm honest I do want some rabbit in jelly… or some tuna..., Mmmmmmmmm tuna.

I digress. Mum and dad have let me in to their bedroom a few times, that's fun. I like going in to mum tall cupboard thing and making all her shoes spill on to the floor. It's really funny watching her scratch her head and mutter under her breath. I like hiding behind the twirly unit in the corner too, they can't get me there heheheheh.

Yesterday mum had the cheek to try and mix felix with tesco's own's food. I'm not stupid woman! Don't be thinking I'm gonna eat that crap!

Auntie Hellen came to see me and said I've grown and my coat looks all floofy and shiney. I felt pretty proud coz I've been really trying to look better and my ass doesn't look so big in this coat. She took some pictures of me for Auntie K. She took that cat carrier back as well, hehehe I was glad bout that, I'm not going to any vet again. Not that it was bad last time really but on principle I'm going to hate it. It's cat's perogative!

So yeh been doing quite a lot since my last update, I'm getting quite content here which isn't good. Dad has a saying "never be content or you'll die" for once I agree with the beardy hippy.

Now I'm getting stronger after auntie Hellen and auntie Karina nursed me back top heath I'm feeling fabulous. It's kinda weird. I was really happy at their place, cept for that bloody other bully, little man but now this is all mine and it's a new kinda happy. It's hard to remember that I was a wee bedraggled timid thing brought in from the cold and poorly by Auntie K.

So anyway, I decided this week my humans were getting complacent these days and I'm not a novelty anymore. I don't buy that people, I'm a cat, I decide when you leave me alone not you.

Fools.

So when they came in with a load of shopping on Saturday afternoon I knew what I was going to do and operation refuse food commenced. See most people underestimate cats, put us in the same category as those dumb ass dog creatures but wake up... it ain't so. Fido may eat shit, YOU may eat shit but me? I like Felix.

Not tesco own brand of goo.

So mum comes to put me to be which is one of my favourite times, She always gives me hugs then fills my water, the dry food and the meaty bits up so I can chow on them and then keep them awake for an our clawing at the door and meowing. Saturday night was particularly quiet, Mum and Dad went to auntie Ali and uncle Sef's leaving me to play in catnip heaven on my scratching post (cept don't tell them it's more fun top make them think I don't play on that at all mowahahahaha)

They came in after a while and watched bravo on tv. I like this tv thing it has lots of movement and colour. I wasn't impressed though. There was this programme on about 'porn' I don't know what porn is but all the humans on the tv had no clothes on like mum when she goes in the shower. And Dad kept commenting on their boobs. I don't know what boobs are either but I guessed they were the comfy things I snuggle up to on mum. So we watched that... thing it I don't get the fuss... I got more boobs than all of those humans!

Anyhow eventually they decided to go to bed so I got my cuddle then mum went to get my food and put it down giving me a little sratch behind the ear like she does..., Cept..no no this crap ain't felix. It's cheap imitation crap like a bad curry!

She wasn't happy when she got up the next day and I'd not eaten anything and mentioned the fact that if her and dad can live on tesco's own I can. I don’t know who this tesco's own human is but they best not show their face in these parts. I'm not eating that crap. It got marginally better when mum put parmesan cheese on it but why stoop I say. She will crack and buy me felix.